I must blog today. Why? Because on Wednesday I blogged a list of observations (complaints) entitled Oh Why…, where I asked (whined) why :
if someone is going to ring the doorbell, it will come during the one time, on the one day, I actually get the baby to nap through the afternoon?
Well, that must of pleased the blogging fairies, for the very next day as the Baby was finally taking nap, the door bell rang not once but twice. Not only did my WordPress Dashboard somehow create the very reality that I wrote about, it perfected it by making sure the Baby never woke up. Wow.
Having discovered my magical Twilight Zone-type property of this post screen, I will now blog that I am about to come into a multi-million dollar inheritance, or receive a book contract to write about my amazingly funny and interesting life. At the very least my bloody Christmas Cards will arrive from huge photo printing website from whence I ordered them in the middle of November. Like by Monday, please, so I can send them to my Mother.
Though, I’m not sure anyone but me cares. I’m not trying to be disturbingly harsh, but maybe it’s true. Every year I spend all this money on custom photo cards, and all this time selecting the picture, and retouching it, and then turning it sepia, and then black and white, just to try to my family look the best that I can. Then, I hand address all the envelopes, and write cute little personal messages, and lick them, and stamp them and run then to the post office. And all I get back are three cards: from the Dentist, the Chiropractor, and a Ford Dealership we once stopped in at.
I’m starting to get the picture. No one wants Christmas Cards. Oh, you say “Thanks for the nice card, Liz.” But what you are really saying is “I tossed your Christmas Card, Liz, but I still like you even though you act as if you are 80 years old with these dumb cards you keep sending out, which I don’t even get because I only check the mail every 10 days, since no one under 100 sends anything by the mail anymore. I’m only thanking you so you don’t go looking for it when you come to my house, but instead assume I’ve squirrelled it away in some special place where I will treasure it forever. But I haven’t. Unless you call the recycle bin a ‘treasured place.’ Sorry.”
I realized that I am like the last person on the desert island who speaks some two thousand year old pre-historic language which is about to go extinct unless I keep speaking it. I should just admit that the days of speaking Bo, or Beothuk, or Northern Pomo are done, and get on with my life. Instead, I try to talk myself into giving it another year. I think that what the entire Postal Service and greeting card industry couldn’t do, I can — reverse the decline in Christmas Cards. Somehow, all these 40 people are going to get a piece of folded cardstock with my kids’ faces on it and go “Holy Santa’s Knickers! I gotta start sending these out right now!”
But this is all just Pixie Dust right now, for I have no Christmas Cards to send. They haven’t arrived, because the huge company who printed and shipped them, doesn’t provide tracking numbers to Canada. Being so close to the North Pole, they thought, Santa would take care of it. I ordered these cards back in November, so I would have them by December 1, and I could send them out early. This would be like a little Christmas present to myself. It would prove that even though 90% of my life are controlled by 6 other people, there is only little sliver of real estate that I have total utter control over. And now that’s all gone.
So, I am including the following note with my cards, if they ever arrive:
This card should have been sent out X weeks ago, but big, huge, photo printing company who was supposed to get to them to me in time didn’t. Now, this card is late, but I wish you to have full knowledge that it is not my fault.
c.c. CEO, Big Huge Photo Printing Company that ships late
I’ve made up my mind. This is the last year of these shenanigans. Christmas 2012 is going to be different.
I’m going to write about it in my blog, and my magic WordPress Dashboard will send them out.