Greetings from the Infirmary! Know what it’s feels like when a toddler does squats on your chest? Or at least some kind of chest infection that makes you think there is an invisible one there? We do. By “we”, I mean my husband and myself, and for now, just one kid. But if the Law of Something Going Around holds, soon everyone else here will be part of the Royal We of Illness.
This is to be expected, because next Tuesday we are starting a new school. Again, by “we”, I mean the four oldest, but after 11 years of Motherhood, I am increasing unable to separate my identity from the group identity of those I feed. You get one, you get us all. This sickness seems to hit my eldest whenever she starts a new school. In Grade 1 she was sent home the second day with a sick stomach. I took her to the Doctor, and was summarily humiliated to learn she had a fever and untreated bronchitis. Later, I could hang my head that I didn’t realize that my 5 year old couldn’t hear anything. The Kindergarten teacher tried to make me feel better. She told me about the son of a nurse who didn’t realize he was half-blind. I think we could improve parents lives by installing LED displays on the back of kids’ necks that give a read out of the complete health status at all times. At the very least, it would solve the “stomach ache in the morning, bouncing on the Tramp in the afternoon” syndrome.
For a while, it looked like I was going to be the only healthy person in house of sickness. This always strikes me when it happens, as a foreshadowing of what it would be like to survive one those apocalypse scenarios from zombie shows, and the Prime Time line-up of the History Channel. You sort of wander around the house, dealing with emergencies, making your own rules while everyone lies around and moans. The only time you can eat straight peanut butter sprinkled with chocolate chips for supper while watching a Weird Weather marathon and no one’s there to bother you. It’s all fun until loneliness sets in, and by then, everyone starts to feel better. The take away being,
The Apocalypse: It’s Fun Until the Chocolate Chips Run Out
The other reason I’m sure I’m sick is that I’ve finished Back to School
Hell Shopping. Don’t believe me? Check out this pic.
I’m so obsessed with back to school shopping, I even wrote a little article about how to save money by acting like a Civil War Quartermaster and submitted it to the nice folks at YummyMummyClub, who actually published it! (Thanks so much, guys!) I realize I am writing for a niche audience in this case. I keep trying to tell my friends all my “strategies” and I can hear their voices glaze over on the phone. But, if you ever have a very big event/holiday/group to buy for, this approach really does work.
For now, I am going back to lying on the sectional, wondering how I could feel like I spent 12 hours last night chain smoking in a bar, when I never left the house. (I realize that I have excluded an entire generation with that statement.) The kids are happy because Sick Mom vacillates between Easy-Going to Grumpy to Guilty to Buy Kids Off with Ice Cream every half hour. Luckily, there’s a full carton of Cherries Jubilee in the freezer. At the rate I’m going, I’m on schedule to dish up in about 15 minutes.