“How Empty is Your Life?” and Other Parenting Misses
Did you think I could stay away from the my little soap box for a whole 10 weeks? Come on now. You’re dealing with a woman who gets interrupted six times while screaming “FIRE!” Plus, I went camping so there is only so much that one’s psyche can handle.
Since there is only 4 weeks left to the kids’ summer vacation, and I wouldn’t want them to have delusions that it was niceor anything, I thought I should permanently record the Mommy Misses so far of the season. Think of this post as one of those Realty TV recap shows. My kids will appreciate the cheat sheets for their memoirs.
- As for the title — I didn’t actually say it that way. Sweetie Pie came up and showed me some gross, dried-up glue in a tube, and said, “You could squirt it on some paper in a big blob.” I assuming that, at age 9, she was a pretty much an adult in some Hunter-Gatherer cultures, and quipped, “How empty would your life have to be to want to do that, eh?” As I watched her eyes and then entire face fill with horror, I realized that I had made a grave mistake. I gave her the glue and paper and a whole bunch of candy. Things seem fine now.
Tall Girl asked why I was staring “right there,” and pointed to a spot above her eyebrow. I said that I was just looking at her. Then I realized, being always crazy-run-around-busy, I never make eye contact with my kids. They think all Moms have heart to heart talks with their heads stuck in the dryer.
- I got so out of shape I couldn’t get up off the floor. Well, let’s back up on this one: While I was pregnant with my SIXTH adorable child, I strained the ligaments in my back, which caused me an amazing amount of pain. Being, like, not un-pregnant, I took it easy for a while. A while being 18 months. This rest period was abruptly terminated the day I lay down to retrieve a binky from under the kids’ bed and couldn’t get up. I pacified the little ones by grinning furiously and telling them I was “playing whale.” Daily walks have since ensued, and the call to “bring it here to Mommy” is slowly disappearing.
Today, my kids ate Chocolate Chip Cookies and a little piece of cheese for lunch. I gave them buttered bread, cheese and peaches for lunch, with a cookie for dessert, and they just ignored all the real food and went straight to the sugar. I was trying to fix my email and didn’t notice until I went to clean up and found all this perfectly good foodruined by sitting in sun outside for too long (they were having a picnic.) Luckily, chocolate is a good source for Vitamin K.
- I told the kids the Ice Cream Man was “just a jerk in a truck.” They retaliated by lying that he was riding a bike and wearing a FREE ICE CREAM hat . I knew better — that’s too many letters for a hat, and those jerks avoid all physical activity. Mom 1 Kids 0
- Big Boy reads Green Eggs and Hamto himself by stabbing the the picky guy with his finger and shouting, “I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU.”
Yeah, lots to be proud of around here. People sometimes says nice things to me like, “You have lovely family,” or “What good children,” or “Could you please go ahead of me in line because I can’t stand the noise” and I just have to laugh if they knew what a zoo I have. Oh, well. Four more weeks to
screw up improve.
If you feel it would be helpful, feel free to share your parenting missteps in the comments. Remember, it’s harder to catch a whole herd, than a single Bison.