My Little Commando
Big Boy ran across the floor of the Toy Section, jumped at least 12″ up and landing 180° around, feet in a Sumo stance. “Ta Da!”
“It’s s Shaving Kit! Just like Dad.”
There is something about being under 40lbs. that allows you to punctuate your sentences by leaping a third of your body height into the air. Big Boy does it all the time. He jumps, and kicks, and points, and air punches. Like when he found a Junior Shaving Kit, complete with a can of foaming soap, a cracker sized mirror in a yellow frame, a tomato red Barber’s comb, and a plastic toy safety razor.
“Now,we can shave together,” he announced to the young salesgirl who was following us surreptitiously. “Me, and Dad. Together.”
But he couldn’t wait that long. As soon as we hit the back deck, he was scrapping white cream off his face with his blue and red Shaver. “How do I look?” Big Boy stuck out his chin, as if it was a pre-Prom inspection for missed spots and toilet paper First-Aid.
“Two big thumbs up, Dude. You’re perfect.” Like you always are, Dude.
Big Boy is all of 3, and if you don’t know, hanging around with a 3 year old is a like keeping time with a non-stop one liner machine.
“When I grow up, I’m going to dance like SpiderMAN does.” Punctuate this with a donkey kick or two.
“I wasn’t playing with the curtains, Mom. I was just wiping my Boogy-juice.”
“But I can’t stop fiddling with my nose. I’m exercising it.”
This morning I handed him an outfit straight from the dryer. “Shirt, shorts, and underwear,” I said.
“Underwear? Underwhoawhoawhoear,” he giggled and saluted the suddenly ridiculous garment toward the ceiling. The invitation to Big Boy’s world includes the the letters: U.O.L.O.L. or, Underwear Optional, Laugh Out Loud. Never has anyone found anything so funny or so dispensable as Big Boy does his BVD’s. I find discarded boy’s underthings – perfectly dry and clean, mind you – in the most unlikely of places. Beside the powder room floor (tucked behind the waste basket,) on the TV couch, under my bed, by the kitchen table, and in with a bunch of doll dresses. He’s never naked, just less dressed, you could say. (We’re way beyond the stage where he come down “ready” in the morning, sporting nothing but sweater, Tee and socks.)
This all reminds of the time he was running around in his Board Shorts in the sprinkler. They were big, baggy, Hawaiian print swimwear, and while the string ties were keeping things in place in front, the back was totally different universe. I was blinded as two very round, very white cheeks reflected the sunlight straight into my eyes. Sort of the pants version of a Mullet: all business in the front, all Moon in the back.
“Dude! Pull up your pants!”
He bent over at the waist and started twisting furiously back and forth looking evidence of immodesty.
“What? Looks perfect to me, Mom.”
Yes, Big Boy. You’re perfect. Like always.