If This is the Age of the Liberated Woman, Why is my House So Hard to Clean?
I mean, really. When Leo Gerstenzang created the Q-Tip after watching his wife wrap cotton wool around a stick to clean their son’s ears, did he think “One day University educated women can use this to clean the completely pointless ridges and crevices that manufacturers will build all over their homes?”
Really? Aren’t I supposed to be doing something like finding a “room of my own,” not scrubbing cream coloured grout between floor tiles with a Dollar Store toothbrush? And why am I on the fifth type of bathroom cleaner, trying to remove the red mildew stain on whatever space-age polymer is holding my shower door to its frame? All with a toothbrush? Huh? Why?
It seems just a little unfair that those boffin techno-types have come up with a tiny little head set that sticks in your ear just so that people can wander all over the supermarket have really loud conversations about what Julie said and make everyone feel uncomfortable, and yet I’m hiking up to Canadian Tire to buy carnauba car wax for my the tiny little scratches on my fridge. All because I used a paper towel, instead of the spring water, lambs wool and “loving caress” that the manufacturers dreamed it should be cleaned with.
I thought we had Women’s Lib. I thought that women were supposed to be equal, intelligent, worth of not just the vote, but to hold high public office. Then why, is our traditional stomping grounds – the Home – so infuriatingly retro? As in, “Don’t worry — the Upstairs Parlour Maid does that” retro. And don’t say why doesn’t your husband help — he’s right there beside me scrubbing the kitchen floor grout. All we’ve done to fix this problem is drag in more helpless scrubbers to the party. So why is the modern home so full of ridgey baseboards, dust catching knickknacks, and tiny little gaps between the strips of the hardwood floor? Doesn’t the sheer drudgery of scrubbing the little creases around the jets in the whirlpool tub negate whatever stress relief it’s supposed to bestow? Maybe you need to soak in the tub as a reward for cleaning it.
Everyone seems to have an R & D Department now, even companies that you would think shouldn’t have an R and D Department. (Having to hustle my kids past massive Valentine’s Day displays at the local Walmart highlighting products that used to sold behind the counter, and sent home from the Pharmacy in a paper bag proves my point.) Well, all you lab coat whiz kids here’s my request: Could you make a shower wall that impervious to the cling of soap scum and hard water? A dryer sheet that removes wrinkles? Light bulbs that shed dust? Please? I’ll make you brownies. The real kind, not from a mix.
Come on people! I’ve been told we put a man on the moon — now it’s time to fix these dirty houses. We need something as easy to maintain as it is to hose down those shower rooms in old-fashioned European Spas. Just open up a hose and 15 minutes later, everything’s sparkling. Clothes pressed, floor clean, plates that never need pre-rinsing.
Until then, the next time someone tells me that the sexes are equal, I’m sending him or her into my bathroom — with some bleach and a toothbrush. 15 minutes should fix up that notion just fine.